An adventure continues

Today marks a significant milestone in my journey of mothering. Today I wean my last baby from nursing.  

Since October 2012, I’ve been either pregnant or nursing without a gap.  Between my 3 little crazies, it adds up to 45 months of nursing. The past few years my life has been centered in a constantly physically sacrificial mode as we’ve been growing our family.  The privilege of mothering, the gift of healthy children, the full arms, and even fuller heart...it’s been the most beautiful aspects of my life. 

And today I leave a little bit of it behind. Today I watch my sweet Susan transform from snugly baby to independent big girl.  The truth is she’s already there. But my mama heart sees different. Today I say goodbye to that last little link to a world filled with just her and I. Her moments of nursing, though frequent and demanding at times, were moments where only I was needed. My snugly squishy mama’s girl. 

Today I’ll hold my last baby just a little tighter. I’ll whisper “I love you’s,” and breathe deep that last bit of baby smell.  Today I move forward and step into the “big kid only” phase while this wonderfully loud, incredibly stretching, beautifully fulfilling, adventure continues. 

“Children are a gift from the Lord;they are a reward from him. ” Psalm 127:3

Coffee table lessons

This morning I woke up unaware that it would be a milestone day.  Cooking the kids breakfast, getting them dressed, kissing my husband goodbye as he left for work...all pretty standard to my everyday.  But then while sorting laundry (my ever present nemesis) in the basement, out of the corner of my eye I noticed the coffee table.  For the past few years, using a coffee table has been intermittent since I've had little ones learning to walk. Its been tucked away in the basement waiting for use again.  

Susie is 10 months old now and she's been walking already for the past 2 months. She is just about running most days now.  My little girl somehow missed the memo that she's my last baby and has the responsibility to slow time down for this mama heart of mine.  She has blazed a trail through babyhood that makes me proud and sad all at once.  Rolling over at 6 weeks, crawling at 3 months, standing at 5 months, and walking at 8 months. It just went so fast.  I look at Jackson and Nora and even at 4 and 3 yrs old...I still remember their moments of birth so vividly.  I thought I knew what love was when I married, but it wasn't until I became a parent that my heart truly understood exactly what sacrificial love was. I'd walk through fire for these children of mine.  Parenthood is loud and crazy and so very life giving. Its the greatest privilege of my life.  

Not only my heart grew when I became a mother,  but my relationship with the Lord deepened as well.  I realized anew the sacrifice God gave so freely through Jesus. And the grace we are given daily that we don't deserve.  I am in awe that not only did the Lord provide a means of salvation, but that he cares to provide peace in the uncertain, clarity in the confusion, and provision in the need.  While parenthood has been the greatest privilege of my life, my greatest gift has been walking with the Lord.  Life is messy. Its unexpected.  Its full of twists and turns. But the Lord is ever present and always consistent. As years have past, Josh and I have found ourselves in situations in which the Lord's guidance was vital and He has never failed us once.  There is immense comfort in knowing that come what may, the Lord is still good. 

All these thoughts ran through my mind as I looked at the coffee table sitting in the basement corner and I realized that today was the day to bring it out of the basement.  Susie is solid on her feet and the threat of injury from the coffee table is now gone.  Today, its time for the next step. Giving her an obstacle to manage and balance around.  She couldn't handle it before, but she can maneuver it now. The parallel is not lost on me that the same care I take for my children to prepare them and guide them for each step in their life, the Lord takes for His children as well.  And with that knowledge, peace and joy remain in every situation.  Not just present, but overflowingly.   

So today, I find myself thankful. Thankful for the word of the Lord that does not return void. Thankful the Lord prepares the way and guides the step. And thankful for the lessons learned from coffee tables...

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

28“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’32These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33Seek the Kingdom of God^d above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

34“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."     Matthew 6:25-34

Embrace your calling of womanhood

It's been quite some time since I wrote in my blog.  A cross country move, two toddlers, and our 3rd pregnancy has made time speed by incredibly fast.  

But lately, like most people with access to social media or the news, I've seen the unrest. The anger. The shout against injustice. And its prompted quite a bit of self reflection for me. 

I find myself terribly grieved.  To see the masses of women who feel oppressed, unequal, unimportant...its grieving. And also confusing. I found myself asking "why do I not identify with that? Why do I not find myself jumping in with both feet in support of my fellow sisters?"  Asking myself these questions made me realize that its not a sheltered or magical life I've lived that has kept me from seeing the realities of the world.  I've seen first hand the ugliness and violence the world has to offer, particularly towards women. Prior to becoming a mother, I worked as a Sexual Violence & Domestic Violence counselor. I've heard the sound of desperation on the other end of the crisis hot line, I've gotten the call in the middle of the night from the hospital and seen devastation materialized. I've sat in my chair and listened to stories of horrors and atrocities that I can't even bear to repeat.  I've grieved right along side these hurting women and men that unfortunately required the services I was trained to provide.  

So why don't I feel more personally connected to the "war against women?" I'm not an unfeeling person or a naive person. So why am I not leading the march or shouting from the roof tops?"  In asking myself this question, I've found that it comes back to my walk with the Lord. The way I view myself and the women around me comes directly from the scriptures I've read.  Being bullied constantly in elementary school, having strained family relationships, working in a professional setting...those experiences taught me that not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going speak life into you. Not everyone is for you.  There are some that intend to do you harm and there are some that do harm to you unintentionally as well.  The world's voices speak loudly that women are sexual objects, simple mothers, idiot drivers, etc.  Aside from the "world's voices" often hurtful labels and inappropriate behavior can come from close family and friends.  

But what does the Lord say?  

The very creation of women signifies the importance and value women hold.  Genesis 2:8 says "Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him."  Women were created because men were not complete without them. Fashioned from Adam's rib, Eve's place was to stand beside him.  Not in front of, not behind. But beside him.  The Lord created women to be a "helper."  Not a damsel in distress. Not incompetent or dependent...those traits would simply serve as a distraction for man. The Lord's intention in the creation of women was to bring a helper, strong and capable to meet the needs of those around her.   Proverbs 31 address even more specifically the role a woman is to take. Its not a feeble or passive stance.  The Lord places the call on women to be trustworthy, to be ambitious, to take initiative, to make wise financial choices, to work hard, to plan ahead, to be generous, to behave with dignity. The word strength/strong is used repeatedly throughout the Bible to describe women.  

The calling the Lord has placed on all women is no small task and is not limited to a "particular" job. Whether you marry, have children, work professionally, work inside the home, remain single, do not have children...the call the Lord has for you is still the same. We are to be helpers to those around us.  The world calls me simple, but the Lord calls me capable.  The world calls me weak, but the Lord calls me strong.  The world reduces me to my sexuality,  but the Lords calls me beautiful. 

Ladies, we hold the ability to create peace or stress to those around us.  When Josh walks through the door, I can choose to speak life giving words and encourage him. Or I can choose to reject the calling the Lord places on me and speak harshly and discourage him.  Being transparent, I choose the latter far too often.  Selfishness is easy. Choosing to walk in the fruits of the spirit is not.  But the actions that hold the greatest reward are not the easy steps.  

This week of self reflection has shown me that I do not feel the oppression of women, because I do not receive my identity from the world around me.  The Lord has placed a call on me, on all women, and I choose to focus and believe the biblical words that say I'm capable, strong, smart.   

We live in a fallen world. There is injustice. There is inequality. There is so much ugly.  But as women, the Lord created us specifically to see and show the beauty the world has to offer.  Pray and reflect on what that looks like in your own life.  Walk in the role you were created specifically for, celebrate your womanhood.  

Jackson is 2!!!!!

My Sweet Boy, 

       You are 2 years old!  I can't even really believe it.  The memory of you kicking my belly, being born, coming home are still so fresh in my mind.  Everyday you surprise me with something new you've learned.  My constant climber, you always are looking to brave new feats.  Your 2nd year of life was a big one.  You became a big brother! The love you show your sister melts my heart and I'm so proud of how sweet you are.  We also moved from Florida to Utah! You love the parks and camping we do here. Your favorite thing is to RUN. You are my rough and tumble little man.  This past year, I've seen your shyness to new people melt away. You are quick to make new friends and love to make people laugh. You constantly want to be on the stage at church. Playing the drums is your greatest joy. You have your daddy's sense of humor and laugh loudly.  

     You are very sensitive to others feelings, if your sister cries, you give her a hug and make sure she has her paci. Your favorite foods are chocolate! Spanish rice, hash browns, spaghetti, watermelon, celery! you eat celery A LOT. You've discovered Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and sleep with a stuffed one at night. You're a bit of a late talker, but always swift to get your ideas across. You've recently learned to say your sister's name, usually loudly as you wake her up to play with you. You always want her nearby.  Our dog Tele is your best buddy. You look for him first thing in the morning and play with him all day. If you can't find him, its "Tele! Tele! Tele!" until you do. Whenever we have company, you always want to show them your dog. He loves you just as much as you love him. He is always by your side.  

   Jack-Jack, you've made our lives fuller than we ever thought possible. My sweet boy, I'm so thankful you made me a mama. I can't wait to see how God uses your sensitivity and your determination. You've made Daddy and I so proud, just by being you.   Your giant hugs make me warm. Your loud laugh fills my heart. Your silliness makes me laugh. You are my little man. 

Happy Birthday Baby!
I love you to the moon and back, 
Mama

Hello new season!

Life is significantly different since my last post in October.  My beautiful daughter Nora Betty has been born. She is our chubby little ball of laughter.  Mamahood has been my greatest gift.  Watching my son and daughter develop a bond together, seeing their little personalities grow and mature, its added a beauty to my life that is like nothing else.  With 2 babies under 2, there's busy moments for sure.  But even in those moments, I am thankful.  I do not wish away the moments. Each day is a gift that only comes once.  It shouldn't be rushed through,  wished away, or wasted.

Another change is that we now live in beautiful Utah pastoring a church! I've been blown away by our church people. The kindness and welcome we've received has been overwhelming. But I'm even more astounded by the opportunities that God has provided. He has given us a vision for this church and this community that both Josh and I are so excited about. And we can see that all these years, God has been preparing us to be exactly where we are now.  Even down to the professional jobs I held prior to becoming a mother.  Two weeks ago, I told Josh that I at times missed doing crisis counseling. I enjoyed assisting someone walk though and out of a dark season into a season of joy and freedom again.  But with us having two children currently and hoping for 4-5 children,  I figured that my season for volunteering my services as a crisis counselor was a good 12 years away.  God had other plans though. He put that desire in me at the perfect moment to be used much sooner than I thought.  I'm thrilled to be using those skills inside our church and am in awe how God orchestrates everything to fit perfectly together.

"All of this is for your benefit. And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day." 2 Corinthians 4:15-16

 Life is messy. Its complicated. Its unfair sometimes. Its joyful. Its inspiring. Its renewing.  But be encouraged, all of these moments, God is using them for good.  God is not the author of the dark moments life can bring, but he is the writer of your life story. Using the complicated and easy moments together to bring the plans He has for you to fruition.

Be present in today. See the beauty in the ordinary, the mundane, the everyday. Today is a gift. It only comes once. Embrace it fully.

Nap Time

Jackson is 14 months old, so he still takes 2 two hour naps a day. My little monkey is an avid climber and constantly curious about the world around him, so he is very ready for sleep come nap time.  

Since weaning him, occasionally I miss those sweet, still moments that nursing brought. Those moments where I'm simply sitting or rocking my baby boy while he snuggles close and nurses.  Now that he is past the phase of nursing, life has changed dramatically as I see less and less of my baby boy, and more and more of an adorable active toddler.  I love the new discoveries that accompany each day for him. He's such a little sponge and so quick to investigate all things new.  But those moments where I'm NOT multi-tasking, planning dinner, running errands, cleaning the house, or working on church work, while simultaneously playing and caring for my little man are fewer and farther apart. 

That is, until nap time. 

Josh and I have never practiced a "self soothing" method of parenting with Jackson. I've never understood that idea well. Because, whenever I, myself are upset about something or have had a bad day, I do not self soothe. I talk about it with Josh or get on the phone with my mother-in-law. I'm 27 and still find myself reaching for people I love when needing comforting.  So teaching my infant to self soothe never seemed to make much sense to me.  So our nap time routine with Jackson has never been the typical "lay the baby down awake." Jackson is a passionate child. That would never fly with him. lol.  Instead, when nap time arrives, I take him to his room and turn on his rain noise maker and projector light that casts shapes and characters on his ceiling. I lay down with him in his twin bed and we watch the shapes float and change across the ceiling.  He snuggles close to me as he twirls my hair, sucks his pacifier, and I watch his eyes begin to close.  In the space of 10 minutes, my little man is soundly sleeping. I watch his little chest rise slower and quieter as his breathing adjusts to deep sleep. His little eyes begin to flutter as dreams fill his head. His sweet little hand that held an iron like grip on my hair as he twirled it, loosens and lets go.  I look at my little man and I don't see the independent active toddler anymore. I see my baby boy that needed his mama to snuggle to sleep. In that moment, I'm not multi-tasking, planning dinner, running errands, cleaning the house, or working on church work. In that moment, I'm simply a mama. No tasks. No distractions. Just peace and awe at the gift I've been given. 

I breathe a prayer of gratitude that my boy feels safe, loved, comforted. And I slip out of his room while he continues to sleep. I  step back into the busyness of tasks and put all my hats back on as I tackle whatever projects are needed to be accomplished for the day. 

But for just a moment, twice a day, during nap time; I'm simply mama.  :-)

We're having a.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!