Well today marks one month since my doctor gave me the go ahead to try standing and re-learning to walk again. And with disappointment I write...I'm still not walking on my own yet. Although I have seen daily progress in my ankle over the past month. My pain level is much lower than it was a month ago and my ankle look much more "normal" than it did. I've still got swelling in my foot, particularly around the plate and screws but its MUCH better. At the moment, the only shoes I currently fit are my running shoes, which is a bit ironic to me since I'm not even walking across the room much less running. lol. And I can only wear those for a short time before the swelling makes them uncomfortable. From what I've been told, I can expect to have intermittent swelling in my ankle for the next year. But seeing the daily progress my ankle is making and encouragement from Josh has kept my spirits up. Currently, I'm able to stand up by myself (it makes doing my hair and washing dishes so much easier) but I am not able to take any steps forward without using my crutches. Physical therapy kicked my butt last week, but it was well worth it. As I was able to walk across the room using just one crutch. Sounds silly, but it was a big deal to me. Its one step closer to walking across the room myself. I feel very thankful and lucky that everything is healing so well.
Once getting the ok to try standing and walking again, I had figured that I would be up and about in a matter of weeks. I knew I wouldn't be all the way healed yet, but I had imagined that the process would go much faster than it has. Tomorrow marks 3 whole months since I was hurt. I've always been the type of person to see a task and simply push forward until it gets done. Correctly. Efficiently. On time. Regardless of how hard it was or what new limits I was pushed to, determination achieved the desired result: a finished and completed task. And it was this mindset that I brought with me into my healing process. To which I very quickly learned, my body was simply not going to cooperate with. Frustration and discouragement started to set in accompanied by feeling incredibly lazy as I watched my husband continue to have to shoulder so many tasks and responsibilities.
Boundaries and limitations have always been difficult for me to establish when it comes to myself. I've always been one that likes to be involved in community and church events. When I see a need or something I can help with, I like to do it. But saying yes and agreeing to everything, usually left me in the negative timewise. All through college, I was incredibly busy with every minute accounted for. I was a nanny for two families averaging about 40-45 hours of my week, had a full class load, was on call as a hospital advocate for Rape Recovery Center I volunteered at 3-4 nights a week, and somehow managed to even have a dating life (thank goodness Josh didn't lose interest seeing me 1x or 2x a week at most when we were dating :-) While I enjoyed the things I was doing, I often found myself exhausted and spread fairly thin. 4 cups of coffee daily became the norm and despite being tired, all my t's were crossed and my i's dotted. Lose ends were always tied up and tasks accomplished. But running on empty routinely, usually resulted in me getting pretty sick by the end of the semester and me resolving to take a slower pace for the next semester. However, I was never able to stick to this resolution as when people asked, I felt guilty to say anything but "yes, not a problem."
Since getting married to Josh, he has helped me slow down slightly. But we both still manged to always been rushing to something or overly committed in weekly tasks and work hours. We both wanted different for our family life, which is why we decided in January I would quit my job and be a fulltime wife. However, breaking my ankle through a wrench in our plans to make life more simple. God has provided and life has been good and I've been happy these past few months. But it has been very difficult for me to accept the new limitations and boundaries set before me. There have been numerous evenings in which Josh has come home from work to find me completely drained from attempting to push too far that day.
What I've learned and come to terms with this month, is that boundaries are the vehicles to simplifying life and that limitations are not meant to be bad things. Limitations are more like "safety lines" instead of negative things. When I look at my circumstance and set realistic goals, I'm able to achieve them without being completely drained. I've realized that its ok to see my current situation and desire change and difference in it and strive towards it, and even say no to things without needing to feel guilty or lazy.
At the beginning of this year, Josh and I set new goals and dreams for ourselves and our family. And I feel that they are God inspired and preparation for the next season of our life together. And I feel that part of that is me recognizing the boundaries and limitations needed to be established for myself, some family members, weekly commitments, and and our goal of a healthy lifestyle.
In seeing daily events through this mindset, and establishing these boundaries, I feel burdens lifted, renewed, and have more time for the things that truly matter. Our faith, family, and friends. 2012 is turning out to be a pretty good year after all. :-)
"Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, Simplify" -Thoreau
