Placing boundaries and learning limitations

Well today marks one month since my doctor gave me the go ahead to try standing and re-learning to walk again.  And with disappointment I write...I'm still not walking on my own yet. Although I have seen daily progress in my ankle over the past month.  My pain level is much lower than it was a month ago and my ankle look much more "normal" than it did.  I've still got swelling in my foot, particularly around the plate and screws but its MUCH better.  At the moment, the only shoes I currently fit are my running shoes, which is a bit ironic to me since I'm not even walking across the room much less running. lol.  And I can only wear those for a short time before the swelling makes them uncomfortable.  From what I've been told, I can expect to have intermittent swelling in my ankle for the next year.  But seeing the daily progress my ankle is making and encouragement from Josh has kept my spirits up.  Currently, I'm able to stand up by myself (it makes doing my hair and washing dishes so much easier) but I am not able to take any steps forward without using my crutches.  Physical therapy kicked my butt last week, but it was well worth it. As I was able to walk across the room using just one crutch.  Sounds silly, but it was a big deal to me.  Its one step closer to walking across the room myself.  I feel very thankful and lucky that everything is healing so well.

Once getting the ok to try standing and walking again, I had figured that I would be up and about in a matter of weeks. I knew I wouldn't be all the way healed yet, but I had imagined that the process would go much faster than it has.  Tomorrow marks 3 whole months since I was hurt. I've always been the type of person to see a task and simply push forward until it gets done. Correctly. Efficiently. On time.   Regardless of how hard it was or what new limits I was pushed to, determination achieved the desired result: a finished and completed task. And it was this mindset that I brought with me into my healing process.  To which I very quickly learned, my body was simply not going to cooperate with.  Frustration and discouragement started to set in accompanied by feeling incredibly lazy as I watched my husband continue to have to shoulder so many tasks and responsibilities.

Boundaries and limitations have always been difficult for me to establish when it comes to myself.  I've always been one that likes to be involved in community and church events. When I see a need or something I can help with, I like to do it.  But saying yes and agreeing to everything, usually left me in the negative timewise.  All through college, I was incredibly busy with every minute accounted for.  I was a nanny for two families averaging about 40-45 hours of my week, had a full class load, was on call as a hospital advocate for Rape Recovery Center I volunteered at 3-4 nights a week, and somehow managed to even have a dating life (thank goodness Josh didn't lose interest seeing me 1x or 2x a week at most when we were dating :-)    While I enjoyed the things I was doing, I often found myself exhausted and spread fairly thin.  4 cups of coffee daily became the norm and despite being tired,  all my t's were crossed and my i's dotted. Lose ends were always tied up and tasks accomplished.  But running on empty routinely, usually resulted in me getting pretty sick by the end of the semester and me resolving to take a slower pace for the next semester. However, I was never able to stick to this resolution as when people asked, I felt guilty to say anything but "yes, not a problem."

Since getting married to Josh, he has helped me slow down slightly. But we both still manged to always been rushing to something or overly committed in weekly tasks and work hours.  We both wanted different for our family life, which is why we decided in January I would quit my job and be a fulltime wife.  However, breaking my ankle through a wrench in our plans to make life more simple. God has provided and life has been good and I've been happy these past few months.  But it has been very difficult for me to accept the new limitations and boundaries set before me.  There have been numerous evenings in which Josh has come home from work to  find me completely drained from attempting to push too far that day.

What I've learned and come to terms with this month, is that boundaries are the vehicles to simplifying life and that limitations are not meant to be bad things.  Limitations are more like "safety lines" instead of negative things. When I look at my circumstance and set realistic goals, I'm able to achieve them without being completely drained.  I've realized that its ok to see my current situation and desire change and difference in it and strive towards it, and even say no to things without needing to feel guilty or lazy.

At the beginning of this year, Josh and I set new goals and dreams for ourselves and our family.  And I feel that they are God inspired and preparation for the next season of our life together. And I feel that part of that is me recognizing the boundaries and limitations needed to be established for myself, some family members, weekly commitments, and and our goal of a healthy lifestyle.

In seeing daily events through this mindset, and establishing these boundaries, I feel burdens lifted, renewed, and have more time for the things that truly matter.  Our faith, family, and friends.  2012 is turning out to be a pretty good year after all.  :-)  
 "Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, Simplify" -Thoreau

Waiting, waiting, and needing to acquire patience

So it's been 7 weeks since my accident and 6 weeks since my surgery.  I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment March 6th to determine if I was allowed to stand again. The day before my appointment I was called by my surgeons office explaining that my surgeon had had an emergency and would be out of the office all week. So my appointment was reset for March 15th and I was instructed to remain in the wheelchair per doctor's orders until my appointment to have the next set of x-rays.  I was incredibly disappointed and very upset at the news.  I have been going out of my mind being stuck inside the house and unable to do very much.  So the news was hard to take.  I called Josh to tell him that he wouldn't have to take time off work to take me to the appointment since it was canceled. He was disappointed at the news as well since it sets us back in several areas.  But we couldn't do anything about it.

A couple hours later, my sweet husband called me to tell me that he was actually going to still take the afternoon off and he was going to whisk (actually wheel) me away to Disney World to cheer me up and get me out of the house.  I was very excited and decided that Epcot would be fun to go to since the Flower Garden Festival was going. The weather was absolutely perfect, in the low 70's and sunny outside. In the shade, the breeze was even chilly.  So it was perfect to be outside.  The afternoon was wonderful and very needed.  Since my accident, Josh and I hadn't had a date or done anything fun together. Spending the afternoon flirting with my husband as we went through all the countries in Epcot made me feel a bit back to normal and though I was exhausted afterwards, I felt so refreshed.  I'm so lucky to be married to someone who takes care of me so well.  :-)

In other family news, a couple of weeks after I was hurt,  my new little niece Julia Grace Flowers was born. :-)  We weren't able to go up and see her right away, but we are planning to travel up to see her dedication March 25th.  I can't wait to finally meet her! From her pictures, she looks completely different than my nephew Carson did when he was born.  She is definately a little princess and my sister-in-law dresses her up with little bows.  Its adorable. :-)  Christmas this year will be so much fun with two little ones in the family.

One of the things I've learned through this waiting period, is that patience is not easily gained.  I've always known I'm not a patient person (I generally end up giving Josh is birthday gift early cause I just can't wait, lol) but I've learned there are varying degrees of patience.  My mother-in-law recently told me about a lady she knows that had her home burn down, losing all her things, including her dog. She was trying to encourage me that things can always be worse and that this time would eventually pass for me whereas for others, there are some things that will not pass.  I try to live my life with a thankful attitude, but I've learned that being thankful simply isn't always enough.  The ability to endure and lean on patience is what gets you through a hard situation.  Throughout this experience, I haven't lived up to my name and acted with grace always.  Its been a difficult, frustrating, painful, and discouraging time for me.  I've relied heavily on the blessings God has surrounded me with. The smile of my husband, the strength of Josh's nearby hand to steady me before I fall as I hop to reach something, the "sanity gifts" and surprise packages in the mail from Jay and Betty, and God's provision over our finances and insurance. These things remind me daily that I am cared about and watched over. Its an amazing comfort when independence and self sufficiency are temporarily removed. But they are humbling as well, as they serve as reminders that I have many reasons to act with grace- even in the tough times.  And its something I am striving to do better this year.  I guess its a late "new years resolution" but better late than never, right? :-)

its 6:40am on a Sunday...and I'm awake, blah....

Its not even 7am yet and I've been awake about an hour.  The house is quiet, nice and chilly due to the cold front we got, and the puppies are playing contently on the floor, tearing their numerous toys apart.  And here I sit, wide awake, well before I need to wake up to go to church. Yuck! I've never really been a morning person, my dear husband can attest to that, lol.  But I've found that since Josh and I wake up regularly at 5:30am or 6:00am....that even on my days off, my body still thinks its time to wake up. At best, I may make it to 7:00am before waking up, but rarely.  I never thought 7am would be considered sleeping in! lol.  But once the puppies realize that I'm awake, then they want to begin the goodmorning routinue. lol. This means as soon as I left them out of their cages, they pounce on Josh who is sleeping in bed. In the 30 seconds it takes me to get to the bedroom door in order to open it and coax them out to the living room,  they've both pounced on Josh and lathered his face up with morning kisses. lol. Its really the funniest thing because they can't wait to see him in the morning.  However, once I get them out to the living room, Josh is able to go back to sleep.  I have no idea how he manages that. lol.

So, back to where I am now...sitting on the couch, playing on the computer, waiting for my day to officially start. We've got a lot to do today. After church, we're finishing up painting and putting up more christmas decorations.  Next weekend is the last weekend before I have my parents, Josh's parents, and Josh's grandparents, coming to spend a few nights with us for Thanksgiving.  It'll be a total of 11 people on Thanksgiving Day though, as my grandmother and a friend of hers, along with a co-worker of mine will be joining us for Thanksgiving Dinner. I'm super excited to be cooking for everyone.  Its the first big Holiday I've hosted.  I invited a couple friends over for Easter last year, but it pales in comparison to what I'm planning for Thanksgiving. :-) I'm excited to have everyone here and getting to enjoy our new house with us.  I'm also thankful that we've got a house large enough to house 8 people overnight.  I'm putting my parents in Josh and I's room, Josh's parents in our office, grandparents in guest room, and Josh and I will be in the nursery with the puppies on an air mattress.  We've got queen beds in all the rooms except the nursery, we have a old twin bed that Josh had before we married. And we both can't fit on that, so we'll sleep on an air mattress.  I refuse to put company on one, and we didn't put a queen bed in that room because we're planning on putting a crib in there eventually. But it all works out pretty well this way.   I know that Tele is going to be thrilled, he LOVES it when we have a bunch of people over, because he gets a ton of attention. But specifically, he LOVES Josh's dad, Jay.  Tele just about jumps out of his skin with excitment when he see's Jay.  I'm pretty sure it foreshadowing how our kids will react when getting to see him too.  :-)

I'm really thankful for the family that I have and the family that our kids will get to grow in. It's not perfect, there have been bumps in the road, but "love covers a multitude of sins..." and mistakes turn into lesson's learned and new days turn into happy memories and new beginnings. I'm a big believer in being thankful for even the hard times, as they make you appreciate the good times all the more. I saw a quote the other day "learn to enjoy the small moments, as someday you'll realize, they were the big moments" its an idea that I've adopted and its amazing how it can change your perspective.

Hopefully, if it doesn't take us long to have children,  our kids will be fairly close in age to my nephew Carson and my niece Julia.  I'm excited about that because I didn't grow up with any cousins and so I think its neat that my kids will get too.  We haven't fully decided how many kids we'll have. We know for sure at least 2 and then we'll evaluate where our lives are. But I'd really like to have 4. I've thought that for years, but I also want to be able to feed the kids, lol. so we'll see.  We were in the store a few days ago looking at Christmas toy ideas for our nephew and Josh said "Wouldn't it be amazing if we had a 4-5 kids and when they were adults with children of their own, came to visit? We'd have a huge family at that point" :-)  I love the idea of that, I'm just not sure if I'll be able to survive labor and delivery that many times, lol. We'll see.  I know at least we want two children.  I'd prefer boys, but Josh wants a little girl as well.  I told him we could have 4 boys and 1 girl. lol. Boys are high energy, but little girls grow up to teen girls eventually which leads to crazy drama. lol. In my nanny experience, boys were always so much easier even as toddlers, there was much less sass, even at that age. lol.  But regardless, we'll see how it plays out. We've got names for either one we have and ironically, despite wanting boys, I only have one boy name I like so far.  Most of the names I like are girl names...hopefully that's not indicative of what's to come. ;-)

Anyway, its 7:15am now...I think its late enough for me and the puppies to go wake up Josh ;-)

dreams of fall and thoughts of christmas :-)

I can't believe that its been so long since my last blog. Time has gone by SO fast, I feel like I blinked and August was over.  But thats just fine for me. Because it means I'm all that much closer to breaking out the Christmas decorations. lol.

Things are certainly picking up for me at my job. I've got 5 new cases this week, bringing me to 15 kids so far. Thankfully, I have a supervisor that has been really great helping me get settled into the job. Everyday is something different and you wouldn't believe half the stuff that comes across my desk each day, its a constant reminder to me at how lucky I am to be blessed with the life I have. It also reminds me to carry a thankful heart and compassionate one towards others, so while its a job thats paying the bills, its also one that is continuing to grow me into a better person.

For the past few weeks, Josh has also been working a lot of overtime and crazy days at his office. Its been stressful and tiring for him, but its been a great opportunity for him to show himself as a valuable employee and to remember patience, even when he's tired.

Our little Lucy is not so little anymore. She is now 40lbs....and only 4 months old....she is slightly bigger than I thought she would be, but she is still half the size Tele is and super sweet. She is such a cuddler. But, she is also MUCH more willful than Tele ever was. Needless to say, when she starts her dog classes on the 28th of the month...she is going to tossing around an attitude. lol. She doesn't like to be told what to do. However, on the flip side, she is significantly smarter than Tele. Its interesting to see, but she uses reason a lot more than he does.  So, I'm excited to see her turn into the good dog that I see glimpses of every now and then. lol.

The house is coming along nicely. I found drapes for the living room, that just came in the mail today. Can't wait to have Josh hang them up!  I've found various decorations for different rooms for the house each weekend and its really starting to look wonderful. I can't wait to get it finished and then post a video tour of the house. :-)

I've begun preparing myself for Thanksgiving already. Its the first major holiday I'll have ever hosted and so I'm pretty excited about that. With family coming in for the Holiday, we'll have a house of 10 people and 3 dogs (Tele, Lucy, and Betty is going to bring Penny) :-)   Since we've got the space and the beds, it just made sense to offer to host it. Plus I love having a house full to cook for. Thank goodness I married a man that likes having company just as much as me. :-)   We are planning on having our Christmas decor up and out by then, simply because with family coming from out of town, and since we go pretty over the top for christmas, we decided to put it up early this year so everyone could see it while they were here.  Its going to be a lot of fun.  :-)

I'm excited to be moving closer to my favorite season for the cooler weather and festive decorations, but also because the fall and winter months hold a lot of special memories for Josh and I. We're just 3 months away from the 2 year anniversary of when Josh asked me to marry him.  I can't believe its been almost two years, but at the same time, I can't believe its been only two years. So much has happened and changed, and they've all been wonderful.

One of the wonderful changes is that my sister-in-law is pregnant with my 2nd little niece or nephew. Josh and I are super excited for Salena and Jason and can't wait to find out if its a boy or a girl.  Our nephew Carson is getting so big and has to be one of the most photogenic babies I've ever seen. He is adorable.  We don't get to see him often because of living so far, but a few weeks ago I did get to talk to him on the phone for the first time. He said "hi" and "buh-bye" lol. It was so cute seeing Josh try to talk to him on the phone.  My husband has fully jumped onto the baby train with me and he is completely ready for us to have our own kids. Its fun getting to see that side of Josh and makes me all the more excited for us to try to get pregnant this coming spring.  We just want a couple more bills paid off and the house finished up with decorations and then hopefully I'll be focusing my attention on decorating a nursery. :-) Can't wait! :-)