Placing boundaries and learning limitations

Well today marks one month since my doctor gave me the go ahead to try standing and re-learning to walk again.  And with disappointment I write...I'm still not walking on my own yet. Although I have seen daily progress in my ankle over the past month.  My pain level is much lower than it was a month ago and my ankle look much more "normal" than it did.  I've still got swelling in my foot, particularly around the plate and screws but its MUCH better.  At the moment, the only shoes I currently fit are my running shoes, which is a bit ironic to me since I'm not even walking across the room much less running. lol.  And I can only wear those for a short time before the swelling makes them uncomfortable.  From what I've been told, I can expect to have intermittent swelling in my ankle for the next year.  But seeing the daily progress my ankle is making and encouragement from Josh has kept my spirits up.  Currently, I'm able to stand up by myself (it makes doing my hair and washing dishes so much easier) but I am not able to take any steps forward without using my crutches.  Physical therapy kicked my butt last week, but it was well worth it. As I was able to walk across the room using just one crutch.  Sounds silly, but it was a big deal to me.  Its one step closer to walking across the room myself.  I feel very thankful and lucky that everything is healing so well.

Once getting the ok to try standing and walking again, I had figured that I would be up and about in a matter of weeks. I knew I wouldn't be all the way healed yet, but I had imagined that the process would go much faster than it has.  Tomorrow marks 3 whole months since I was hurt. I've always been the type of person to see a task and simply push forward until it gets done. Correctly. Efficiently. On time.   Regardless of how hard it was or what new limits I was pushed to, determination achieved the desired result: a finished and completed task. And it was this mindset that I brought with me into my healing process.  To which I very quickly learned, my body was simply not going to cooperate with.  Frustration and discouragement started to set in accompanied by feeling incredibly lazy as I watched my husband continue to have to shoulder so many tasks and responsibilities.

Boundaries and limitations have always been difficult for me to establish when it comes to myself.  I've always been one that likes to be involved in community and church events. When I see a need or something I can help with, I like to do it.  But saying yes and agreeing to everything, usually left me in the negative timewise.  All through college, I was incredibly busy with every minute accounted for.  I was a nanny for two families averaging about 40-45 hours of my week, had a full class load, was on call as a hospital advocate for Rape Recovery Center I volunteered at 3-4 nights a week, and somehow managed to even have a dating life (thank goodness Josh didn't lose interest seeing me 1x or 2x a week at most when we were dating :-)    While I enjoyed the things I was doing, I often found myself exhausted and spread fairly thin.  4 cups of coffee daily became the norm and despite being tired,  all my t's were crossed and my i's dotted. Lose ends were always tied up and tasks accomplished.  But running on empty routinely, usually resulted in me getting pretty sick by the end of the semester and me resolving to take a slower pace for the next semester. However, I was never able to stick to this resolution as when people asked, I felt guilty to say anything but "yes, not a problem."

Since getting married to Josh, he has helped me slow down slightly. But we both still manged to always been rushing to something or overly committed in weekly tasks and work hours.  We both wanted different for our family life, which is why we decided in January I would quit my job and be a fulltime wife.  However, breaking my ankle through a wrench in our plans to make life more simple. God has provided and life has been good and I've been happy these past few months.  But it has been very difficult for me to accept the new limitations and boundaries set before me.  There have been numerous evenings in which Josh has come home from work to  find me completely drained from attempting to push too far that day.

What I've learned and come to terms with this month, is that boundaries are the vehicles to simplifying life and that limitations are not meant to be bad things.  Limitations are more like "safety lines" instead of negative things. When I look at my circumstance and set realistic goals, I'm able to achieve them without being completely drained.  I've realized that its ok to see my current situation and desire change and difference in it and strive towards it, and even say no to things without needing to feel guilty or lazy.

At the beginning of this year, Josh and I set new goals and dreams for ourselves and our family.  And I feel that they are God inspired and preparation for the next season of our life together. And I feel that part of that is me recognizing the boundaries and limitations needed to be established for myself, some family members, weekly commitments, and and our goal of a healthy lifestyle.

In seeing daily events through this mindset, and establishing these boundaries, I feel burdens lifted, renewed, and have more time for the things that truly matter.  Our faith, family, and friends.  2012 is turning out to be a pretty good year after all.  :-)  
 "Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, Simplify" -Thoreau

And the X-rays say....time to walk! :-)

Yesterday was my long awaited doctor's visit. My X-ray's showed that both my bones are healing very well.  My surgeon was very pleased and then spoke the most delightful words "You can try standing and walking now and no longer have to sleep with the boot on"  There were such relief and happiness in those words for me.  Sleeping has been very difficult wearing the boot to bed since its rather heavy. It causes pressure on my back and hips when sleeping, so I was incredibly relieved to know that I was now allowed to remove the boot before bed.  I was so eager to try standing that I didn't feel nervous like I had imagined. It also really didn't hurt to stand either, which surprised me greatly.  Everything mostly feels sore but not bad at all. After everything that has happened, I really believe that its changed the way I rate pain. I feel like anything from this point, won't even come close to what it was like previously. Its not even a blip on the radar.

The doctor told me to put a bit of weight on my ankle and to practice walking with the crutches and walker to ease me back into gaining balance again.  Then after two days, try walking with no crutches or walker with the boot on.  Then do that for two days or so. Then he said that I can try walking short distances at home with the boot off.  I was very surprised at how quickly the process would go, but excited for my independence to come back.   The doctor wants me to do physical therapy 2-3 times a week for a month minimum and then go back and see him again for a check up.  I'm planning on swimming on the weekends to help gain more strength in my ankle and to lose some weight. I'm so excited about getting healthy and feeling better! :-)

I do know its going to take a bit of time before the swelling in my ankle goes away completely. After an afternoon of walking and stretching my ankle, the swelling increased significantly and was pretty scary.  Josh was in our office studying for an exam and I was watching a movie. I looked over at my ankle and realized that I had a baseball size lump on the left side of my ankle.  OH.MY.GOD! It scared me so much. Josh came out of the office to see me crying and absolutely terrified. He calmed me down and had me wiggle my toes and he pressed lightly on different parts of my ankle. I didn't have any pain and so he said it was ok.  That the swelling had increased so much because I hadn't stood on my ankle for 9 weeks so it would take time for it to get used to it.  Logically, I understood that.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I was feeling all the same panic feelings that I felt when I was hurt and on the ground alone in my backyard 9 weeks ago. It was terrifying. In my mind, I even heard the loud snapping noise. Its so crazy how the brain catalogs trauma and connects it together.   I'm just so thankful I have a calm and loving husband who hands me tissues and hugs me until I'm calmed down.  Don't know what I'd do without Josh. He really is the perfect person for me and I admire him greatly :-)

The past couple weeks have been fairly nice for us.  A Disney trip, visits with a few old college roommates, and one night my grandmother came over and cooked us a delicious dinner. Even brought an ice cream cake for dessert, which of course was Josh's favorite part of the meal. :-)  My dear husband and his sweet tooth, lol. Its really been so nice feeling well enough to have company over again.

I'm really looking forward to this coming week, as each day my ankle will gain strength and my day will gain a bit more normalcy.  Plus I get to have a change of scenery as we'll be driving up to Marianna for a weekend trip. I'm excited to meet my new niece Julia and see everyone. The whole family will be together to attend Julia's baby dedication. It will be so nice to get to spend time with and enjoy everyone.  And I've even made an appointment to get my hair trimmed and colored. Betty is going to go with me to the salon, so we'll get girl time/chat in while Josh spends time with Jay. Can't wait!

 I haven't colored my hair in years and its looked pretty much the same for the past 8 years.  Thankfully I still haven't found any grey hairs yet (not sure when that starts) but I decided that coloring it would be a fun way to try a change. And I finally found a hair style idea that Josh liked. He has always said he liked my hair just the way it is. But I finally found something he thought would be fun to try.  Maybe once its done I will be able to figure out how to post pictures in my blog posts and put up one of my new look. We'll see how it goes.  It's going to be such a good week and weekend.  :-)