Small Fingers, Small Toe's, Your Forehead, My Nose...

                                         
We're Pregnant! :-)  Its such a planned and hoped for event, yet still so surprising and unreal.  The past month I had been tracking my hormone levels with the Clear Blue fertility monitor.  We hadn't been using birth control for the past 13 months in hopes of starting a family, but with everything my ankle injury brought  this past year, our baby plans were sort of in the back of our minds. But at the same time, since we hadn't been doing anything to avoid getting pregnant for 13 months and hadn't yet, we decided to go ahead and invest in a fertility monitor.  While it was a bit expensive, I loved it right away and will definitely use it for any future additions to our family.  :-)  I'm fascinated by how the human body works and all the intricate details that work together to function on a daily basis, and so seeing the varying hormone levels on the monitor over the past month was really neat.

Thanksgiving Day morning, I woke up at 5am and knew that I was supposed to be getting my period at some point that day.  So while Josh was still sleeping, I went into the bathroom and figured I would go ahead and do a pregnancy test and then restart my monitor to track for the next month. I had no idea I was pregnant.  Josh had told me the week before that he thought I was pregnant because I was acting a bit different. I shrugged it off as pms symptoms. (Thinking about it now, its pretty funny that he knew I was pregnant before I even did, lol)  So I did the test and decided to wash my face and brush my teeth while waiting for the results.  When the test beeped and I saw the words "pregnant"  I let out such a loud gasp/squeal that it woke Josh up. I rushed out of our bathroom with the pregnancy test in my hand and Josh knew before I could even get the words out. We were both SO excited. After hugs, checking/rechecking the test, excited "Oh my gosh we're pregnant!" I said to Josh, "I have to call your mom!" He laughed at me and pointed out that it was 5am our time and 4am their time (Josh's parents live in the panhandle of Florida and so are an hour behind us) But I was SO excited, I had no idea how I was going to keep that news in.  I managed to wait until 6am (making it 5am for them) before I sent a picture text message to Josh's parents and sister, Salena.  I sent the picture posted above of the positive pregnancy test saying "Happy Thanksgiving Grandpa, Nana, and Aunt Salena!"  And seconds later we were on the phone with Josh's parents, lol.  They were both so excited at the news and we all couldn't believe it. Salena excitedly called us and has been so much fun talking to about it. She's been through this twice before having had our nephew and niece, making her an expert as far as we're concerned. :-) So her tips and advice has been fun and helpful and I'm sure will be greatly needed with the coming months.  We then sent the same text picture to my grandmother saying "Happy Thanksgiving Great Grandma!"  She had tears of joy and was thrilled for us. :-)  It was so much fun to get to tell family such exciting news on Thanksgiving Day.  We were able to call and tell Josh's grandparents later that afternoon. Grandpa's response was "Praise God, what a day of Thanksgiving!"  I've loved each and every response and its been such a fun few days.  I know its often advised to wait until farther along to announce the news, but once I saw the positive result, I just knew it was going to be impossible for me to hold in such exciting news.  :-)

Its been overwhelmingly heart warming to see such an excited responses from friends and family about our good news. My two very best friends, Beverly Paul and Kelly Medlin, who are most accurately described as my sisters at heart, have both made me tear up with their reactions at our news. I'm wonderfully blessed to be surrounded by a community of love and support.  And can't wait to see how God directs our steps on this new path of parenthood.

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:4

Blessings

I recently heard a song titled "Blessings" by Laura Story.  The words struck me and have stayed with me since hearing them. Particularly the chorus:

"Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

 What if your healing comes through tears

 What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near

 What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise" 

 2012 has been a year of trial and difficulty for us in multiple ways, and yet God has provided encouragement and purpose throughout it. Its the most curious thing to me that happiness and encouragement has remained constant within us despite very difficult moments.  I've found God reminding me of the fullness I have around me in the moments when the lost is what I'm seeing.  

2012 has been a year of me learning patience and what it means to ask for and accept help.  I know my blog posts of late of rambled on continuously about a spirit of thankfulness, but I simply can't seem to describe it differently.  I'm blown away with how God has so intricately and timely placed events together and surrounded me with the family he has.

Josh has developed into such a leader for our home and constantly finds a way to make me smile. I never could have imagined marriage being as good as it is. Late night movie marathons, crack of dawn early morning talks, playful moments with our puppies, tickles and kisses over gut wrenching laughs about absolutely nothing have filled me with a contentment I've never felt before.

My in-laws Jay and Betty have repeatedly showered me with love and support lacing both Josh and I with a "safety net" so to speak.  Its an amazing comfort knowing that though physically 5 hours from us, they are simply a phone call away.  I've never met two people with such a non judging approach to people and situations.  Since becoming apart of the "Grace family"  I've been blown away at the patience and genuineness at the heart of it.   I've also been blessed with a sister-in-law who is the embodiment of both beauty and strength, while still somehow a mix of Josh's sense of humor, lol.   My darling nephew and niece who I'm so excited to see grow and continue to develop their little personalities.  Phone calls from Grandpa & Grandma Schwartz just to check on us and see how we and the puppies are doing are so valued.  And fun visits with Grandma Sydor as coffee and dessert turns into hours of conversation as we "solve the worlds problems" are precious memories.

I suppose my family is often the topic of my blog as I truly believe the saying "it takes a village," though I apply it not only to that of raising a child, but also to creating a happy and fulfilling journey through life. Bad things happen, disappointments arise, struggles can appear overwhelming. But being surround by comforting hands diminish the difficulty and create smiles along the way out of the storm.  What a difference community makes. How much louder "We've got this" resounds over storms that sometimes arise.

My heart is full

(Here is the youtube clip of the song "Blessings" mentioned above. enjoy!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE

Picture Post: our summer so far

 Tele Turned 2 so we threw him a birthday party :-) silly I know, but cute pictures and fun day

 Lucy had to have an emergency surgery and this is her "special" cone. The vet couldn't get her to keep the normal one on. lol. Stubborn puppy, lol.

                                        Lucy Love the camera, she always looks right into the lens

                                    Here is me out of the wheelchair for our anniversary dinner/date

                                              My favorite board game EVER: RISK

                                                                    Happiness

                                                                Who is going to win?

                                                    Josh and Grandpa at Josh's Grad party

                                              Taking pictures with Momma Betty :-)

                                              Putting up the Beach Umbrella! YAY!

                                                                          Friends

                                                                     Summer Love

                                                                    Messy Beach Hair

                                                                     Best Friends :-)

                                          Hat, Sunglasses, sunscreen = no sun burn for me!

                                                                   Beach Kisses

                                                         The reason I smile everyday

                                                                   Our Beach spot :-)

                                                   I've got the cutest husband

                                                                Josh swimming

                                                                        Bed Bums

I told Tele that he was going to see "Grandma and Grandpa" he ran and jumped into the car, lol.

                                             This is how Tele greets Josh EVERY time he comes home!

                                                          Me and My niece Julia :-)  cutie pie

                                              Josh, me, and Salena at Carson's Birthday

                                                                     Playful puppies

                                                                   Dear Friends

                                           Tele got to dress up for the party  :-)

                                            Lucy too! :-)

                                                                   Best Buds

                                                                Family :-)

                                                                       Awesome

                                                                     Party Decorations!

                                           This picture pretty says it all :-)  we're happy  :-)

                                                     YAY! JOSH! :-)

                                                    Norma, Grandma, Grandma, Grandpa

                                                                        Flamingo Straws

                                                       Party Food:  YUM!

                          The cake I made for Josh's party, white cake, whipped cream, strawberries

                                                                   Battle time

                                                                      so serious

                                              Me and Tele taking our traditional party picture

Graduations, parties, anniversaries

Its been awhile since my last post.  The May and June months seemed over in the blink of an eye and were a whirlwind of fun events.  It was a great way to kick off the hot, humid (horrible) Florida summer months.

The beginning of the festivities was that Josh has finally graduated with his undergrad!!!! :-)  He now has a Bachelor's Degree in Sociology from Florida State University. I'm incredibly proud of him that its finally finished and it was such a big deal to him as it has been a long time goal.  So to celebrate, we had a great party with family and friends at our house.  I even put up luau decorations and Josh fired up the grill.  It was such a fun party and also fun weekend as our family in Mariana and Georgia were able to come down to visit for the weekend.  Which completely spoiled our puppies.  They LOVE it when Josh's family comes to visit.  I also, as a surprise for Josh, arranged for dear friends of our's from Mariana to come down for the party.  Josh had no idea they were coming until he opened the front door, lol.  It was a lot of fun.  My grandmother and several other close friends were able to make it to the party too. Since about 8 of the guests were from out of town, we had a full house overnight as well.  Which led to a combative game of RISK that evening.  I think the game lasted around 5 hours and still ended in a stalemate.  Who doesn't love trying to conquer the world? :-)

Then the following week it was our turn to go up and visit our family in Mariana as my nephew Carson turned 2 years old! :-)  He isn't a baby at all anymore, so much a little man now.  My sister-in-law threw a Mickey Mouse themed party for him and it was absolutely adorable.  Josh and I also finally got the chance to meet our new niece Julia.  She was born a couple days after my surgery, so we hadn't been able to travel to see her yet and it was wonderful finally getting to see her.  So pretty in pink with her flower head band and tutu.  She is so sweet already and quite the little princess of the family. :-)

May also held Josh and I's 2nd Wedding Anniversary!! I can't believe that its been 2 whole years already.  So much has happened, changed, and developed.  Life couldn't be more different than it was 2 years ago and I also couldn't be happier.  Its been amazing seeing how God has opened unexpected doors and brought us to where we are.  Times haven't always been as smooth as I would like (i.e. would have loved to skip the whole ankle ordeal) but even the difficult times have brought forth positive elements to them.  I'm so thankful for the partnership I have with Josh and I love the family and friends that we are surrounded by. 2 years ago, I never would of guessed that I'd have a lovely house (in lakeland!), 2 adorable puppies, and be so happy.  I'm certainly blessed and incredibly thankful.

In about a week, it will be 6months since I got hurt and broke my ankle. The nightmare of the ordeal is lessening each week.  I still have a pretty consistent pain level and am still limited on how far I can push my ankle.  But as of last week- I'm finally walking on my own two feet ALL day.  I had previously been having to use the wheelchair in the evenings still, but  made it all last week without using it at all.  My ankle is still pretty swollen so at the moment I can wear either my running shoes or my flip flops, lol.  At my last doctor visit, the doctor gave me a brace to wear under my shoes to give my ankle more support.  And he put me on new meds to help with pain.  I had managed to stop taking Perocet and Vicodon in Febuary and didn't take anything at all for about 3 months.  But when I started pushing my ankle harder my pain increased significantly so I started taking perocet again.  Which I really didn't want to do since its pretty strong and wiped my energy levels out completely.  So my doctor put me on 1000mg of Naproxen and it made a INCREDIBLE difference.  I have been able to walk better and push my ankle so much farther without being crippled by pain.  I've had SO much more energy and the swelling in my ankle went done 2 centimeters (according to measurements by the nurse).  Its been wonderful.  So I took the 1000mg for about 2 weeks and now planning on taking only 500mg for the next 3 weeks.  After than I'm hoping to be at a point where I can just deal with the pain since I'm not really a fan of taking meds on a regular basis.  I still have a pretty significant limp when I walk, but my doctor has told me that as I strengthen the muscles it will go away.  So far I've managed to walk .62 of a mile in 25 minutes. I know that sounds like a long time for such a short distance, but I've still got to take slower steps with my ankle.  I'm working hard to build up endurance and push my ankle farther each day.  Currently my best way to exercise has been our stationary bike. I've been able to do 20 miles a day with that and its helped a lot.   I had been recommended another month of physical therapy, but decided to try and just work on my ankle myself for the next month and see how improvement goes.  Since I have done 10 weeks of therapy already, I'm famaliar with the exercises my ankle needs and most of it I'm able to do at home.  We decided it would be better financially to try this for a month as my physical therapy has cost about $1,000 so far and added up to the other 6 medical bills it was ridiculously expensive. So I told Josh I would try it on my own for a month and if I don't see improve at my next doctor visit, that I'd ask for another prescription for physical therapy again.  I am working hard, so I think my doctor will see improvements.

Another new improvement has concerned our Bluetick puppy Lucy.  8 weeks ago, Josh started the "couch to 5k" running program and has been taking Lucy running with him.  The change in her behavior is incredible and she is SO much more pleasant to be around.  She is listening much better and seems to love the extra individual attention.  Now when she see's Josh put his running shoes on, she gets super excited and tries to open the drawer where we keep her leach at.  She has made a fun little running buddy for him.

Despite the past two months being crazy busy, they were filled with fun filled events and lots of time with family.  Even a few beach days :-) Definitely going to sneak in several more beach trips before the summer is over. :-)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6

<sup>This is the verse that has become my anthem this week.   Its crazy how fast life can change and how confusing things can become.  In two days, I will reach the 4 month mark past my surgery date and 4 1/2  mark from when I got hurt.  Its a rather discouraging thought at times, as I am still unable to walk long distances on my own and was recommended an additional month of physical therapy on top of the 10 weeks I've already had.  Each day I continue to see progress and am able to achieve another mile stone of independence, but there's a huge payout for the independence and the price is a painful and swollen ankle at the end of the day.  I find myself so easily discouraged as I fall short of what I had planned to accomplish for my day or even so far for this year.  


And then I am made aware yet again of how wonderfully blessed I am to be married to the man Josh is.  In the moments that I'm discouraged and wrapped up in a pity party for myself, Josh hugs me close and tells me that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be right now and that I'm doing my best.  He reminds me that God is sovereign and that there is purpose in all things.  I find myself comforted and truly thankful for the leader Josh has become for our family.  And excitement for things to come replaces the discouragement and I remind myself of how many good things I am surrounded with.  


I realize that I have to stop thinking "if this wouldn't have happened, then things would be this way..." So far this year has not turned out the way we hoped, and has made us place certain dreams on hold for the time being.  Such as starting a family.  We'd hoped to be pregnant by this point, but I find myself very grateful that we weren't with everything my body is going through.  So its a bittersweet thought as I place that dream on hold momentarily until I'm in a bit of a healthier state.  And yet I still find comfort in that God's timing is not my timing, and that things happen when they are supposed too.  


I've always been a planner and things have generally always turned out "according to the plan." I realize I was spoiled by that slightly.  But I also realize that the events of this year so far are shaping and molding me into a better wife, friend, and Christ follower.  I'm learning what is means to truly cast aside anxiety and to lean on God for understanding.  Its not an easy lesson.  But I'm finding that in doing so, comfort, joy, and contentment are filling me in a way I've not experienced before.  And at the end of the day,  I'm happy.  I'm thankful.  I'm learning to trust.</sup>

Placing boundaries and learning limitations

Well today marks one month since my doctor gave me the go ahead to try standing and re-learning to walk again.  And with disappointment I write...I'm still not walking on my own yet. Although I have seen daily progress in my ankle over the past month.  My pain level is much lower than it was a month ago and my ankle look much more "normal" than it did.  I've still got swelling in my foot, particularly around the plate and screws but its MUCH better.  At the moment, the only shoes I currently fit are my running shoes, which is a bit ironic to me since I'm not even walking across the room much less running. lol.  And I can only wear those for a short time before the swelling makes them uncomfortable.  From what I've been told, I can expect to have intermittent swelling in my ankle for the next year.  But seeing the daily progress my ankle is making and encouragement from Josh has kept my spirits up.  Currently, I'm able to stand up by myself (it makes doing my hair and washing dishes so much easier) but I am not able to take any steps forward without using my crutches.  Physical therapy kicked my butt last week, but it was well worth it. As I was able to walk across the room using just one crutch.  Sounds silly, but it was a big deal to me.  Its one step closer to walking across the room myself.  I feel very thankful and lucky that everything is healing so well.

Once getting the ok to try standing and walking again, I had figured that I would be up and about in a matter of weeks. I knew I wouldn't be all the way healed yet, but I had imagined that the process would go much faster than it has.  Tomorrow marks 3 whole months since I was hurt. I've always been the type of person to see a task and simply push forward until it gets done. Correctly. Efficiently. On time.   Regardless of how hard it was or what new limits I was pushed to, determination achieved the desired result: a finished and completed task. And it was this mindset that I brought with me into my healing process.  To which I very quickly learned, my body was simply not going to cooperate with.  Frustration and discouragement started to set in accompanied by feeling incredibly lazy as I watched my husband continue to have to shoulder so many tasks and responsibilities.

Boundaries and limitations have always been difficult for me to establish when it comes to myself.  I've always been one that likes to be involved in community and church events. When I see a need or something I can help with, I like to do it.  But saying yes and agreeing to everything, usually left me in the negative timewise.  All through college, I was incredibly busy with every minute accounted for.  I was a nanny for two families averaging about 40-45 hours of my week, had a full class load, was on call as a hospital advocate for Rape Recovery Center I volunteered at 3-4 nights a week, and somehow managed to even have a dating life (thank goodness Josh didn't lose interest seeing me 1x or 2x a week at most when we were dating :-)    While I enjoyed the things I was doing, I often found myself exhausted and spread fairly thin.  4 cups of coffee daily became the norm and despite being tired,  all my t's were crossed and my i's dotted. Lose ends were always tied up and tasks accomplished.  But running on empty routinely, usually resulted in me getting pretty sick by the end of the semester and me resolving to take a slower pace for the next semester. However, I was never able to stick to this resolution as when people asked, I felt guilty to say anything but "yes, not a problem."

Since getting married to Josh, he has helped me slow down slightly. But we both still manged to always been rushing to something or overly committed in weekly tasks and work hours.  We both wanted different for our family life, which is why we decided in January I would quit my job and be a fulltime wife.  However, breaking my ankle through a wrench in our plans to make life more simple. God has provided and life has been good and I've been happy these past few months.  But it has been very difficult for me to accept the new limitations and boundaries set before me.  There have been numerous evenings in which Josh has come home from work to  find me completely drained from attempting to push too far that day.

What I've learned and come to terms with this month, is that boundaries are the vehicles to simplifying life and that limitations are not meant to be bad things.  Limitations are more like "safety lines" instead of negative things. When I look at my circumstance and set realistic goals, I'm able to achieve them without being completely drained.  I've realized that its ok to see my current situation and desire change and difference in it and strive towards it, and even say no to things without needing to feel guilty or lazy.

At the beginning of this year, Josh and I set new goals and dreams for ourselves and our family.  And I feel that they are God inspired and preparation for the next season of our life together. And I feel that part of that is me recognizing the boundaries and limitations needed to be established for myself, some family members, weekly commitments, and and our goal of a healthy lifestyle.

In seeing daily events through this mindset, and establishing these boundaries, I feel burdens lifted, renewed, and have more time for the things that truly matter.  Our faith, family, and friends.  2012 is turning out to be a pretty good year after all.  :-)  
 "Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, Simplify" -Thoreau

And the X-rays say....time to walk! :-)

Yesterday was my long awaited doctor's visit. My X-ray's showed that both my bones are healing very well.  My surgeon was very pleased and then spoke the most delightful words "You can try standing and walking now and no longer have to sleep with the boot on"  There were such relief and happiness in those words for me.  Sleeping has been very difficult wearing the boot to bed since its rather heavy. It causes pressure on my back and hips when sleeping, so I was incredibly relieved to know that I was now allowed to remove the boot before bed.  I was so eager to try standing that I didn't feel nervous like I had imagined. It also really didn't hurt to stand either, which surprised me greatly.  Everything mostly feels sore but not bad at all. After everything that has happened, I really believe that its changed the way I rate pain. I feel like anything from this point, won't even come close to what it was like previously. Its not even a blip on the radar.

The doctor told me to put a bit of weight on my ankle and to practice walking with the crutches and walker to ease me back into gaining balance again.  Then after two days, try walking with no crutches or walker with the boot on.  Then do that for two days or so. Then he said that I can try walking short distances at home with the boot off.  I was very surprised at how quickly the process would go, but excited for my independence to come back.   The doctor wants me to do physical therapy 2-3 times a week for a month minimum and then go back and see him again for a check up.  I'm planning on swimming on the weekends to help gain more strength in my ankle and to lose some weight. I'm so excited about getting healthy and feeling better! :-)

I do know its going to take a bit of time before the swelling in my ankle goes away completely. After an afternoon of walking and stretching my ankle, the swelling increased significantly and was pretty scary.  Josh was in our office studying for an exam and I was watching a movie. I looked over at my ankle and realized that I had a baseball size lump on the left side of my ankle.  OH.MY.GOD! It scared me so much. Josh came out of the office to see me crying and absolutely terrified. He calmed me down and had me wiggle my toes and he pressed lightly on different parts of my ankle. I didn't have any pain and so he said it was ok.  That the swelling had increased so much because I hadn't stood on my ankle for 9 weeks so it would take time for it to get used to it.  Logically, I understood that.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I was feeling all the same panic feelings that I felt when I was hurt and on the ground alone in my backyard 9 weeks ago. It was terrifying. In my mind, I even heard the loud snapping noise. Its so crazy how the brain catalogs trauma and connects it together.   I'm just so thankful I have a calm and loving husband who hands me tissues and hugs me until I'm calmed down.  Don't know what I'd do without Josh. He really is the perfect person for me and I admire him greatly :-)

The past couple weeks have been fairly nice for us.  A Disney trip, visits with a few old college roommates, and one night my grandmother came over and cooked us a delicious dinner. Even brought an ice cream cake for dessert, which of course was Josh's favorite part of the meal. :-)  My dear husband and his sweet tooth, lol. Its really been so nice feeling well enough to have company over again.

I'm really looking forward to this coming week, as each day my ankle will gain strength and my day will gain a bit more normalcy.  Plus I get to have a change of scenery as we'll be driving up to Marianna for a weekend trip. I'm excited to meet my new niece Julia and see everyone. The whole family will be together to attend Julia's baby dedication. It will be so nice to get to spend time with and enjoy everyone.  And I've even made an appointment to get my hair trimmed and colored. Betty is going to go with me to the salon, so we'll get girl time/chat in while Josh spends time with Jay. Can't wait!

 I haven't colored my hair in years and its looked pretty much the same for the past 8 years.  Thankfully I still haven't found any grey hairs yet (not sure when that starts) but I decided that coloring it would be a fun way to try a change. And I finally found a hair style idea that Josh liked. He has always said he liked my hair just the way it is. But I finally found something he thought would be fun to try.  Maybe once its done I will be able to figure out how to post pictures in my blog posts and put up one of my new look. We'll see how it goes.  It's going to be such a good week and weekend.  :-)

Waiting, waiting, and needing to acquire patience

So it's been 7 weeks since my accident and 6 weeks since my surgery.  I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment March 6th to determine if I was allowed to stand again. The day before my appointment I was called by my surgeons office explaining that my surgeon had had an emergency and would be out of the office all week. So my appointment was reset for March 15th and I was instructed to remain in the wheelchair per doctor's orders until my appointment to have the next set of x-rays.  I was incredibly disappointed and very upset at the news.  I have been going out of my mind being stuck inside the house and unable to do very much.  So the news was hard to take.  I called Josh to tell him that he wouldn't have to take time off work to take me to the appointment since it was canceled. He was disappointed at the news as well since it sets us back in several areas.  But we couldn't do anything about it.

A couple hours later, my sweet husband called me to tell me that he was actually going to still take the afternoon off and he was going to whisk (actually wheel) me away to Disney World to cheer me up and get me out of the house.  I was very excited and decided that Epcot would be fun to go to since the Flower Garden Festival was going. The weather was absolutely perfect, in the low 70's and sunny outside. In the shade, the breeze was even chilly.  So it was perfect to be outside.  The afternoon was wonderful and very needed.  Since my accident, Josh and I hadn't had a date or done anything fun together. Spending the afternoon flirting with my husband as we went through all the countries in Epcot made me feel a bit back to normal and though I was exhausted afterwards, I felt so refreshed.  I'm so lucky to be married to someone who takes care of me so well.  :-)

In other family news, a couple of weeks after I was hurt,  my new little niece Julia Grace Flowers was born. :-)  We weren't able to go up and see her right away, but we are planning to travel up to see her dedication March 25th.  I can't wait to finally meet her! From her pictures, she looks completely different than my nephew Carson did when he was born.  She is definately a little princess and my sister-in-law dresses her up with little bows.  Its adorable. :-)  Christmas this year will be so much fun with two little ones in the family.

One of the things I've learned through this waiting period, is that patience is not easily gained.  I've always known I'm not a patient person (I generally end up giving Josh is birthday gift early cause I just can't wait, lol) but I've learned there are varying degrees of patience.  My mother-in-law recently told me about a lady she knows that had her home burn down, losing all her things, including her dog. She was trying to encourage me that things can always be worse and that this time would eventually pass for me whereas for others, there are some things that will not pass.  I try to live my life with a thankful attitude, but I've learned that being thankful simply isn't always enough.  The ability to endure and lean on patience is what gets you through a hard situation.  Throughout this experience, I haven't lived up to my name and acted with grace always.  Its been a difficult, frustrating, painful, and discouraging time for me.  I've relied heavily on the blessings God has surrounded me with. The smile of my husband, the strength of Josh's nearby hand to steady me before I fall as I hop to reach something, the "sanity gifts" and surprise packages in the mail from Jay and Betty, and God's provision over our finances and insurance. These things remind me daily that I am cared about and watched over. Its an amazing comfort when independence and self sufficiency are temporarily removed. But they are humbling as well, as they serve as reminders that I have many reasons to act with grace- even in the tough times.  And its something I am striving to do better this year.  I guess its a late "new years resolution" but better late than never, right? :-)

changes, accidents, and resolutions

Josh and I had stated our new year with typical New's Years resolutions. We were both excited about the new year and the changes that we had decided to make for our family.  The biggest change was that I was no longer going to be working.  Though I actually really enjoyed my job and felt good about the work I was doing with my clients...I was not coping well with the 55-60 hour work weeks that happened often. I had one too many nights in which I came home at midnight. The line between work and home life began to become very blurred as I never really knew when I would be getting home each night so it made it hard to plan things to do or make a commit to anything.  So Josh and I talked about it and we decided that I would go ahead and quit my job to become a housewife :-)  this way I would have more time to take care of the house, get back involved in some of the volunteer work I used to do, and most importantly, I would have time to work out and take better care of myself. Getting as healthy as possible is important to us, but specifically now since we're trying to have a baby.   So, I put in my two weeks notice and began the insanely busy process of trying to get my cases ready to be transferred.

On Martin Luther King Day both Josh and I technically had the day off, since it was a holiday, but both of our jobs were keeping us so busy that we each went into work anyway.  I spent the morning working since I had afternoon plans while Josh had planned on going into the office that afternoon.  So once I was home, we had lunch and after Josh left I cleaned up the house a bit preparing for my afternoon company.  It was a pretty normal day.  About 5 minutes after my company left, I got the leashes together and was about to let the puppies go outside for a bit.  I was just about to go outside when I tripped walking into the backyard. I didn't even make it to the grass. I had tripped on the sliding glass door rail.  I didn't actually fall to the ground, but I heard this horribly loud "SNAP"....I didn't feel any pain, but was instantly dizzy.  I thought to myself "I think I just broke my ankle" but since I didn't feel any pain I tried to steady myself (I also had both dogs in hand) and then I fell to the ground unable to stand.  I still didn't feel any pain, but was now on the ground shaking pretty badly.  I have never felt such fear before, because here I was...in the backyard...ALONE. NO PHONE. HURT.  it was absolutely terrifying.   I knew that Josh was supposed to come home in an hour or so, but here I was hurt and stuck on the ground.  Thank God my neighbor happened to walk out of his house within the next few minutes.  We don't have a fence so he was able to see into my backyard.  He thought that I was playing with the dogs because they were sitting beside me.  I asked him if he  could come over to me for a second and he very confusedly came over.  Once he got close to me, he saw that my ankle was already turning black and blue.  He put the dogs in the house for me and got me the cell phone.  It was Josh's phone. I had lost mine and had a new one ordered and coming in the mail so Josh had left me his phone in case I needed it....but it meant that I was not able to call him to help me.   I was still shaking pretty bad and getting to the point I wasn't able to talk without stuttering. I wasn't feeling any pain yet, so I was really confused why I was shaking so bad and stuttering.  My neighbor called an ambulance for me as my other neighbors began to gather around.  Someone placed a blanket on me and told me that they would let Josh know what had happened if the ambulance came before he got home.
Within a few minutes, the paramedics arrived. I kept telling them I wasn't cold but that I couldn't stop shaking. The paramedics told me it was because I was going into shock and they were going to get me some oxygen and morphine once they got me into the ambulance.  Josh then pulled up. I have NEVER seen him look so afraid.  He drove up to see an ambulance and fire truck in our drive way, me on the ground, and all of our neighbors surrounding me.  The paramedics filled him in on what happened as they hoisted me up into the ambulance and took me to the hospital.
I had never been inside an ambulance before...they are much bigger inside than I had imagined.  Once inside the ambulance, I started to feel an indescribable pain...it really doesn't compare to any other pain I have felt before. I was hooked up to oxygen and one paramedic held me down (I was shaking pretty violently at that point) while another gave me a shot of morphine.  The morphine didn't really do much and so they administered another dose.  The 2nd shot calmed my shaking but did nothing for the pain.  I talked a lot while in the ambulance. I knew from my previous crisis response training that I needed to keep my mind focused on something if I didn't want to panic or pass out.  So I talked about anything at all.  Mostly about my kids on my case load as my last day of work was the next day and now I was on my way to the hospital.  great huh?
We arrived to the hospital and the paramedics took me into the emergency room and explained to the nurses what had happened and that my body was going into shock.   My pain was pretty out of control at that point and so the nurses hooked me up to a couple IV's and gave me Dalodid.  I had never heard of that drug before.  But apparently its stronger than morphine and the equivalent of legal heroin.  Once it was in my IV, I was able to stop shaking and was able to talk to the nurses to answer the various questions they had for me.  X-rays confirmed that I had in fact broken my ankle....pretty severely at that.  I had pretty much snapped my ankle completely in half without breaking the skin.  The nurses explained to me that the X-ray showed that I had completely broken one bone in half and dislocated it, had a hairline fracture in another bone, and torn all the ligaments in my ankle.  The doctor then started to tell me that they had to reset my ankle. I asked how much it was going to hurt to which the doctor said "You won't remember the pain"  WHAT!?! See....to me that meant...."this is going to hurt a lot"  The doctor explained that I would be awake while they reset my ankle, but that the pain meds they would be giving me had an amnesia effect so that I would not remember what happened.  Josh had found his way to me at that point and decided to stay in the room while they reset my ankle.  He said that once they got the meds into me that I said a lot of crazy things that made the doctor and nurses laugh.  A few things he told me I said were "This is a horrible hospital, but everyone has been so nice," "I'm really trying to not be dramatic, I want to be professional," "I can't be hurt, I have to find new placements for my kids, "  "It hurts! I remember the pain, I remember the pain!"  When I came too and realized where I was again...I in fact did not remember the pain or anything that I had said or done.  But was still in quite a bot of pain.  The doctor than came in again and said that my ankle was too swollen for them to operate, as my break required surgery to heal.  So they put my ankle in a splint and sent me home. I was supposed to see the surgeron in three days to see if the swelling was down enough to operate. Apparently they told me that it was so swollen that if they operated, they wouldn't be able to close it back up. So I had to wait.  I've never seen my husband get to mad as to when he heard they would be sending me home.  I was in no way "stablized" in the the area of pain control and here I was being sent home.  It was the worst drive home, so bad in fact...I'm going to leave the details out.  Along with the next three days at home...I was out of my mind in pain. And the pain meds did not do much to help control it. It was 3 long days of hyperventalating, stuttering (I couldn't talk without stuttering from pain).  Those 3 days will probably always remain the most difficult of my life. I hope to never repeat anything that even comes close.
Finally Thursday arrived, which meant that Betty was coming to help Josh take care of me and also we went to see the doctor about operating.  The doctor examined my ankle and said that it was still too swollen to operate. So it said that surgery would have to wait until Monday. HOLY CRAP! It was a rough weekend, but my pain was slightly calmed as the doctor replaced the splint I had previously on my ankle with a plaster cast, which helped SO MUCH! it was much tighter and helped minimize movement. So I was able to actually talk to people normally.
Betty left on Saturday and my mom flew in that afternoon to help out. We managed to get through the weekend somehow and I checked into the hospital at 4am on Monday morning and had my surgery at 8am that morning.  After the surgery, in which they placed 3 screws and a plate into my ankle, the doctor told Josh that they discovered during the surgery that the whole week that I had been waiting for surgery...my ankle had in fact been still dislocated. Apparently, your ankle sits in a box in order for you to bend it.  Mine was laying beside the box...which accounted for the extreme pain that I had been in the whole week.  At least I knew I hadn't been being dramatic.  But goodness...
I had to spend the night in the hospital to monitor my pain level. And then the next day they were able to send me home.  After the surgery, I was placed on a Dalodid drip that I pressed a button anytime I felt pain.  I was hobbling around the room, talking to everyone, and feeling finally back to normal. At the time, I believed that the reason I felt better was from the surgery...boy was I wrong. I had no idea that the pain meds I was on in the hospital were SO much stronger than the Vicodon that they sent me home with.  Upon getting home, I found that the pain pills that I was sent home with didn't even come close to helping me with the pain.  I got home on Tuesday and I didn't get relief until Saturday.  Even now, it still hurts but now I'm at least able to get up out of bed and hobble around between my wheelchair, crutches, and walker that the hospital sent home with me.  Apparently, I'm not allowed to put any weight on my ankle for 6-8 weeks, then I will have a month or so of physical therapy.  Pain aside...its been absolutely terrifying not being able to do anything for myself.  I've never been so incapable and so dependent on someone for even the simplest of things.  Its been a very trying thing and I've learned a lot about myself. Both good and bad, and this experience has pushed me and made me realize what my breaking points are.
Also, Josh and I are pretty different as a couple too. This has been the hardest thing we encountered together but now, that things are finally beginning to settle and become manageable, I'm pretty proud of us and really see Josh is a different way. We're partners now. I'm used to being the one in control and a little OCD on how things work. And this situation has quite literally made me lean on my husband and everything turned out ok. So I am happy to see some good come from an accident. I've never experienced something where I was incapable and needed someone else so dependently, and I'm finding myself incredibly thankful to have been blessed with the husband I have. Its really an odd thing, because before my accident...I was completely in love with Josh. But now after everything we've managed to get through...I view and appreciate Josh in a way I hadn't before. I feel like saying I love you doesn't even come close to it. So while, I truly and completely wish this hadn't happened...in an odd way, I'm glad it did.  I know the next couple of months will not be easy. But I've learned things I wouldn't have and while the lessons were incredibly difficult, the value in them outweighs the cost by far.  (Though I certainly will be glad when the days are easier and free of wheelchairs, crutches, and walkers, lol)