Josh and I had stated our new year with typical New's Years resolutions. We were both excited about the new year and the changes that we had decided to make for our family. The biggest change was that I was no longer going to be working. Though I actually really enjoyed my job and felt good about the work I was doing with my clients...I was not coping well with the 55-60 hour work weeks that happened often. I had one too many nights in which I came home at midnight. The line between work and home life began to become very blurred as I never really knew when I would be getting home each night so it made it hard to plan things to do or make a commit to anything. So Josh and I talked about it and we decided that I would go ahead and quit my job to become a housewife :-) this way I would have more time to take care of the house, get back involved in some of the volunteer work I used to do, and most importantly, I would have time to work out and take better care of myself. Getting as healthy as possible is important to us, but specifically now since we're trying to have a baby. So, I put in my two weeks notice and began the insanely busy process of trying to get my cases ready to be transferred.
On Martin Luther King Day both Josh and I technically had the day off, since it was a holiday, but both of our jobs were keeping us so busy that we each went into work anyway. I spent the morning working since I had afternoon plans while Josh had planned on going into the office that afternoon. So once I was home, we had lunch and after Josh left I cleaned up the house a bit preparing for my afternoon company. It was a pretty normal day. About 5 minutes after my company left, I got the leashes together and was about to let the puppies go outside for a bit. I was just about to go outside when I tripped walking into the backyard. I didn't even make it to the grass. I had tripped on the sliding glass door rail. I didn't actually fall to the ground, but I heard this horribly loud "SNAP"....I didn't feel any pain, but was instantly dizzy. I thought to myself "I think I just broke my ankle" but since I didn't feel any pain I tried to steady myself (I also had both dogs in hand) and then I fell to the ground unable to stand. I still didn't feel any pain, but was now on the ground shaking pretty badly. I have never felt such fear before, because here I was...in the backyard...ALONE. NO PHONE. HURT. it was absolutely terrifying. I knew that Josh was supposed to come home in an hour or so, but here I was hurt and stuck on the ground. Thank God my neighbor happened to walk out of his house within the next few minutes. We don't have a fence so he was able to see into my backyard. He thought that I was playing with the dogs because they were sitting beside me. I asked him if he could come over to me for a second and he very confusedly came over. Once he got close to me, he saw that my ankle was already turning black and blue. He put the dogs in the house for me and got me the cell phone. It was Josh's phone. I had lost mine and had a new one ordered and coming in the mail so Josh had left me his phone in case I needed it....but it meant that I was not able to call him to help me. I was still shaking pretty bad and getting to the point I wasn't able to talk without stuttering. I wasn't feeling any pain yet, so I was really confused why I was shaking so bad and stuttering. My neighbor called an ambulance for me as my other neighbors began to gather around. Someone placed a blanket on me and told me that they would let Josh know what had happened if the ambulance came before he got home.
Within a few minutes, the paramedics arrived. I kept telling them I wasn't cold but that I couldn't stop shaking. The paramedics told me it was because I was going into shock and they were going to get me some oxygen and morphine once they got me into the ambulance. Josh then pulled up. I have NEVER seen him look so afraid. He drove up to see an ambulance and fire truck in our drive way, me on the ground, and all of our neighbors surrounding me. The paramedics filled him in on what happened as they hoisted me up into the ambulance and took me to the hospital.
I had never been inside an ambulance before...they are much bigger inside than I had imagined. Once inside the ambulance, I started to feel an indescribable pain...it really doesn't compare to any other pain I have felt before. I was hooked up to oxygen and one paramedic held me down (I was shaking pretty violently at that point) while another gave me a shot of morphine. The morphine didn't really do much and so they administered another dose. The 2nd shot calmed my shaking but did nothing for the pain. I talked a lot while in the ambulance. I knew from my previous crisis response training that I needed to keep my mind focused on something if I didn't want to panic or pass out. So I talked about anything at all. Mostly about my kids on my case load as my last day of work was the next day and now I was on my way to the hospital. great huh?
We arrived to the hospital and the paramedics took me into the emergency room and explained to the nurses what had happened and that my body was going into shock. My pain was pretty out of control at that point and so the nurses hooked me up to a couple IV's and gave me Dalodid. I had never heard of that drug before. But apparently its stronger than morphine and the equivalent of legal heroin. Once it was in my IV, I was able to stop shaking and was able to talk to the nurses to answer the various questions they had for me. X-rays confirmed that I had in fact broken my ankle....pretty severely at that. I had pretty much snapped my ankle completely in half without breaking the skin. The nurses explained to me that the X-ray showed that I had completely broken one bone in half and dislocated it, had a hairline fracture in another bone, and torn all the ligaments in my ankle. The doctor then started to tell me that they had to reset my ankle. I asked how much it was going to hurt to which the doctor said "You won't remember the pain" WHAT!?! See....to me that meant...."this is going to hurt a lot" The doctor explained that I would be awake while they reset my ankle, but that the pain meds they would be giving me had an amnesia effect so that I would not remember what happened. Josh had found his way to me at that point and decided to stay in the room while they reset my ankle. He said that once they got the meds into me that I said a lot of crazy things that made the doctor and nurses laugh. A few things he told me I said were "This is a horrible hospital, but everyone has been so nice," "I'm really trying to not be dramatic, I want to be professional," "I can't be hurt, I have to find new placements for my kids, " "It hurts! I remember the pain, I remember the pain!" When I came too and realized where I was again...I in fact did not remember the pain or anything that I had said or done. But was still in quite a bot of pain. The doctor than came in again and said that my ankle was too swollen for them to operate, as my break required surgery to heal. So they put my ankle in a splint and sent me home. I was supposed to see the surgeron in three days to see if the swelling was down enough to operate. Apparently they told me that it was so swollen that if they operated, they wouldn't be able to close it back up. So I had to wait. I've never seen my husband get to mad as to when he heard they would be sending me home. I was in no way "stablized" in the the area of pain control and here I was being sent home. It was the worst drive home, so bad in fact...I'm going to leave the details out. Along with the next three days at home...I was out of my mind in pain. And the pain meds did not do much to help control it. It was 3 long days of hyperventalating, stuttering (I couldn't talk without stuttering from pain). Those 3 days will probably always remain the most difficult of my life. I hope to never repeat anything that even comes close.
Finally Thursday arrived, which meant that Betty was coming to help Josh take care of me and also we went to see the doctor about operating. The doctor examined my ankle and said that it was still too swollen to operate. So it said that surgery would have to wait until Monday. HOLY CRAP! It was a rough weekend, but my pain was slightly calmed as the doctor replaced the splint I had previously on my ankle with a plaster cast, which helped SO MUCH! it was much tighter and helped minimize movement. So I was able to actually talk to people normally.
Betty left on Saturday and my mom flew in that afternoon to help out. We managed to get through the weekend somehow and I checked into the hospital at 4am on Monday morning and had my surgery at 8am that morning. After the surgery, in which they placed 3 screws and a plate into my ankle, the doctor told Josh that they discovered during the surgery that the whole week that I had been waiting for surgery...my ankle had in fact been still dislocated. Apparently, your ankle sits in a box in order for you to bend it. Mine was laying beside the box...which accounted for the extreme pain that I had been in the whole week. At least I knew I hadn't been being dramatic. But goodness...
I had to spend the night in the hospital to monitor my pain level. And then the next day they were able to send me home. After the surgery, I was placed on a Dalodid drip that I pressed a button anytime I felt pain. I was hobbling around the room, talking to everyone, and feeling finally back to normal. At the time, I believed that the reason I felt better was from the surgery...boy was I wrong. I had no idea that the pain meds I was on in the hospital were SO much stronger than the Vicodon that they sent me home with. Upon getting home, I found that the pain pills that I was sent home with didn't even come close to helping me with the pain. I got home on Tuesday and I didn't get relief until Saturday. Even now, it still hurts but now I'm at least able to get up out of bed and hobble around between my wheelchair, crutches, and walker that the hospital sent home with me. Apparently, I'm not allowed to put any weight on my ankle for 6-8 weeks, then I will have a month or so of physical therapy. Pain aside...its been absolutely terrifying not being able to do anything for myself. I've never been so incapable and so dependent on someone for even the simplest of things. Its been a very trying thing and I've learned a lot about myself. Both good and bad, and this experience has pushed me and made me realize what my breaking points are.
Also, Josh and I are pretty different as a couple too. This has been the hardest thing we encountered together but now, that things are finally beginning to settle and become manageable, I'm pretty proud of us and really see Josh is a different way. We're partners now. I'm used to being the one in control and a little OCD on how things work. And this situation has quite literally made me lean on my husband and everything turned out ok. So I am happy to see some good come from an accident. I've never experienced something where I was incapable and needed someone else so dependently, and I'm finding myself incredibly thankful to have been blessed with the husband I have. Its really an odd thing, because before my accident...I was completely in love with Josh. But now after everything we've managed to get through...I view and appreciate Josh in a way I hadn't before. I feel like saying I love you doesn't even come close to it. So while, I truly and completely wish this hadn't happened...in an odd way, I'm glad it did. I know the next couple of months will not be easy. But I've learned things I wouldn't have and while the lessons were incredibly difficult, the value in them outweighs the cost by far. (Though I certainly will be glad when the days are easier and free of wheelchairs, crutches, and walkers, lol)
